An Introduction

At the time of this writing, I am 43yrs old and work in the tech industry in Southern California;  my mother is 74 and has dementia.  She has manifested symptoms for years, but they have become much more serious; we are now seeking a formal diagnosis; we are now seeking a path forward.  This blog is an attempt to process the evolution of my mother’s condition, as well as my role as a secondary caregiver currently living remotely.  I actually don’t expect anyone to find or read this.

As of this week, it’s been communicated and agreed that my mother will no longer:

• drive
• pay bills or handle credit cards 

I was just there 2 months ago.  Very nervously, and following an argument, I allowed her to drive me to the airport (10min from her house).  Had I realized it would be the last time she would ever be in the drivers seat with me, I would’ve savored it more - but her decline since that time has been rapid and intense, surprising everyone.

In my heart, I want to drop everything and rush to her side to take care of her; I feel I owe her that respect.  But we live 1500 miles apart and I have never wanted to be where she consciously chose to retire (with no family closer than 4hrs drive).  In truth, to move to where she is, I feel like I’d have to give up a part of my soul, but I feel the same way as I contemplate not dropping everything for her.  It’s a dilemma.

For now, I’ve:

• found a local-to-me “memory loss caregivers” support group that I plan to explore this week 
• booked another trip next month 

I also feel like I’m in a state of near-constant vacillation between denial and mourning for my mother who is slipping away; she is no longer the mother I knew, but she is still my mother, and I am still her daughter.  Dementia is incredibly, incredibly cruel.